NAOMI CASEMENT Therapy
Infidelity Therapy
Partner Betrayal
The Experience of Betrayal and Beginning to Heal
The discovery of your partners infidelity and other discrepancies are a particularly painful and jarring experienced. Often, the betrayed partner is left feeling shocked, devastated, confused, alone and even blaming themselves; feeling that they are “stupid” and/or made a fool. Sometimes the discovery ends the relationship. Other times, couples are able to repair and strengthen their relationship, learning to work toward better communication and both redefining the definition of their relationship. Often, when couples genuinely and authentically agree to address the issues of the betrayal, work individually and as a couple together, research supports that many people feel better and stronger both as a couple and individual. They recognized that they can grow as a human being and as a couple to move forward and build their life’s path.
It is not uncommon that with a painful discovery of a betrayal, people suddenly feel validated for all of the times that they wondered and suspected that things were not quite right. Often, when they wondered about things not being quite right it gets dismissed for thinking poorly and may blame themselves for being insecure as there is “no proof in sight”. However, even with the validation of a discovery, one still feels shock and devastation. The sense of safety is disintegrated. The person once trusted the most is now found to not be the person that you thought you knew. The shock of betrayal and trust injuries can be so debilitating for some people that it can last for many years. Many people have stated that during the initial shock stage and sorting out what has happened, has left them feeling like they are “ going crazy”. They struggle to regulate their emotions and sort out the confusion out of what was uncovered.
Reclaiming Trust
How Can I Cope with This? What Can I do?
First note that the feelings and responses that a betrayed person is experiencing is a normal trauma response. When a person is exposed to a discrepancy that they never knew existed, the discovery is one of the most confounding and distressing crises for someone to experience. After all, the belief was understood between the couple that they had a deep commitment (or thought they had) between one another. The confusion from the discovery rocks the values and foundation of what was believed in the partnership of building a life together; only to find it was not truly there.
Peter Levine, trauma expert explains that our brain will automatically go into a trauma response of “freeze” when we experience an external frightened state. Our psyche responds at a deep primal level to cope and make sense of the situation and is positioning to try to be ready to “spring into action”. The term you often hear is “like a deer in headlights”. People who experience betrayal often describe their experience of discovery as “feeling frozen”, “numb”, or in an altered disconnected state. Often, what is said is “I had the rug pulled out from under me” They feel like they are free falling and afraid of how, when, and where they will land. The betrayed person lost all reference to what they believed to be true and all the foundation they thought they had, is crumbling. They are left to grapple with finding a foothold or something to hang onto to be able to take action.
Often the betrayed person finds themselves thrust into wanting to know more and get an answer to the “Why?” question. The question floods the brain in a furious search for an answer trying to make sense of their feelings and questioning their sense of reality. Questions like, “Why am I not good enough?” “How can I ever measure up to that?” “Why did you marry me?” “Am I only here to serve you?” Why did you promise that you would always be here for me and we would work together?” “You say that you are an addict and this is not about me, but all of your time is with people you view or meet up with. How can that be true?” The questions in your mind keep swirling. You find yourself frantically trying to find books and articles to read as you look for answers to help quell the distressing emotions you are feeling. You may even find yourself spending hours googling information on betrayal in hopes you can find relief; anything to help you find the answer to your questions in hopes to settle your emotions. However, you may find yourself feeling more alone and in despair.
There is good news for you to know. You do not have to stay in a deep dark place of feeling alone, not knowing what to do or direction to go in. There is help for you to learn how to reclaim your life, heal, and grow and move forward. This may or may not include staying in your relationship but you will and can heal to have the life that you deserve.
Infidelity Counseling
Seeking Therapy Can Help you to Reclaim Your Life After Betrayal
Healing after your experience of betrayal is a grieving process. Know this. You are not alone. Many people find themselves in the throes of betrayal. Seeking out help to educate yourself and get the support you deserve is a positive step forward. Making sure to take time for self-care and giving yourself time and “head breaks” is important for recovery.
Here are some self-care things to engage in:
Take care of your physical needs
– try to eat properly and nutritiously
– take time to exercise knowing that you can do this at 20 minute time slots
– take walks to just be out and see things around you, giving yourself a break from being in your head.
-try to make sure to drink plenty of water
– try to get proper rest
Get a physical
– it may be in your best interest to get a full physical and be honest with your doctor about the struggle you are facing. You may need to get tested for STD’s if you feel that your partner was actively having sex outside of the relationship.
Seek out relationships
The inclination may be to want to isolate yourself and not connect with others. However, the more you try to get out and do things with others the easier and more satisfying things will be for you. It helps to not be in your head and distress for long periods of time. This does not mean you are not dealing with things and just shoving it all away. It is giving you a chance to not stay in the abyss of pain as healing will and can occur.
Seek out Therapy
A trained specialist understands what is occurring and will be able to help you navigate the confusion that you were thrust into and help you find ways for you to reorganize yourself and find your path again.
Questions? I Am Here For You
As a trauma therapist I understand that you were confronted with a painful experience that you never thought would occur. You may be fearful of being vulnerable to anyone as the pain is so great. I am here to let you know that I understand. I am not here to pass judgment on you for your experience as I know that you are trying to find your way like everyone. I provide a safe and confidential environment to help you feel comfortable to be able to process your experience. Together we can find effective tools that match your unique learning experience. With infidelity/trauma therapy you can heal, grow and be stronger than you ever have been by realizing the strengths that are already within.
If you are dealing with betrayal from your partner of sexual betrayals and infidelities and are ready to focus on your healing, I am here to guide and support you through this recovery process. You can heal and redefine your life’s path. To schedule an appointment or have any questions regarding betrayal or trauma responses please do not hesitate and call Naomi Casement LMSW, CAADC, CSAT at (810)964-5400 for a free 20-minute chat about my services and scheduling of an appointment. You are important.
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